Where to start when facing a divorce

Divorce isn’t such a tragedy.  A tragedy is staying in an unhappy relationship and teaching your children the wrong things about love - Jennifer Werner

No marriage or relationship starts off with the intention to separate or divorce and in most cases, the step towards taking the decision to divorce or separate is accompanied by feelings of grief for the loss of a family and or partner, sadness, stress, and a general feeling of being overwhelmed.  Where to start?

Most people start off by consulting an attorney to guide them on the actual legal process.  Nothing wrong with that bearing in mind that this person will guide you on the legal process and not necessarily the well-being of your children.

Very often parents overlook the importance of interim logistical arrangements which will bring stability and certainty to their children.  In fact, parents start off by advising their children of the decision to divorce and when faced with practical questions are at a loss for words.

This article aims to trigger a few practical aspects to be considered and closed out prior to advising your children of the single most life-changing event.

Before advising your children of your decision consider the following:

• Who will be moving out, when, and where?
• How will interim care and contact of the children work?
• How will household expenses be covered in the interim such as water and electricity, alarm, fuel, car maintenance etc

Only once the above detail has been resolved you can advise the children of the divorce.

How to tell your children that you are getting divorced

It might be one of the most difficult conversations you will have in your life when you and your partner have to sit down with the children and explain to them that mom and dad will no longer be living together.

Herewith are a few practical tips to consider whilst telling your children that you are getting divorced:

Plan what to say regarding the divorce to your children

when you talk to your children about the divorce consider their age, maturity, and stage of development. The conversation must be age-appropriate and child-friendly - in a way that your child understands

How to keep a united front for your children's sake

Do it together: tell your children while both parents are present, that now is not the time to blame each other or start a fight with each other.

Timing of the conversation

Be mindful not to have the conversation close to a celebration for example birthdays, also take note of important scholastic activities such as an exam or important sport or cultural activity. It is also very important for both parents to be emotionally ready to have the conversation.

Reassurance

Tell your children what will be the same and what will change. They need constant reassurance that it is not their fault and that both parents are committed to still being there for them.

Stick to the basics

Be prepared to answer logistical questions around moving out, how contact and care will work etc.

Give them time to adjust to the news

Remember that you and your partner have had time to process it and have come to a decision. This is a shock to your children, and they will require time to process it.  School-aged children may show their distress as fear, anxiety, anger, and sadness.

We are still a family

 Divorce means that mom and dad won’t be husband and wife anymore, but we will always be a family and we will always be mom and dad for you.

Be mindful that children have different and limited cognitive abilities, and they can very quickly develop inaccurate ideas about the causes and effects of divorce…. For example:  “Dad moved out so dad left me”  Children need to understand that the decision to live apart is an adult decision and not their fault.

Still not sure how to tackle this, here’s an example:

• We have made the choice to divorce because we think it is what will be best for our family.
• We both love you and will always love you. Our love for you will never end.
• We are always going to work together to make sure we take care of you.
• You can love us both and never feel that you should choose between us.

Moving out

Each family is unique and there is no right or wrong but typically the mother stays in the primary residency to ensure least disruption to the children especially until the divorce dictates what will happen to the main residence.

It is extremely traumatic for children to be home while mom or dad is moving out.

Agree on a date and time with your partner and undertake to take the children out for the day.  It is important for them to know on which day the parent is moving out (not knowing can lead to severe stress and shock) but it is recommended that they are not physically present while it is happening.

On the same day as the move, it is really important for the other parent to take the children to mom or dad’s new residence.  Taking a meal to mom or dad will go a long way in showing the children where the parent will live and that the other parent is doing ok, mom and dad still get along for their sake, and show them where they will sleep when they visit that parent.  From a child’s point of view, you need to give them comfort that mom or dad will be fine.  It is therefore extremely important, where financially possible - to make sure that the parent who is moving out has sufficient furniture and that their basic needs are covered such as a couch, bed, fridge, etc.  Children are sensitive to this; you do not want to be the parent that they blame if the impression is created that mom or dad is not ok.

Where will my partner reside?  Our recommendation is that the location should be chosen based on the proximity of the primary residence and school.  This will ensure that children know that mom/ dad are close by and will remain actively involved in my life.

Care and Contact

Be mindful of the fact that your children will miss the other parent, they are used to seeing that parent in the morning and in the evening.  What you are proposing, and executing is life-changing and they will need time to adjust.

The Children’s Act 38 of 2005 makes provision for child participation in a divorce (voice of the child) during which a qualified professional will guide you on the best-suited care and contact schedule which is most appropriate for your specific family.  In the interim, you and your partner will need to develop a care and contact schedule.

In doing so be mindful of the following:

Care and contact should be age, maturity, and developmentally appropriate.

Children require equal time with both parents, children’s school and social activities should be considered

• Consider the parent’s work and leave schedule, especially during school holidays
• Agree on pick-up and drop-off times to avoid conflict.
• Create a care and contact schedule that is practical and consistent
• Use visual aids such as a monthly planner which is colour coded, reflecting when they are with mom or dad.
• Agree on house rules and values that will be applicable at both households. This will provide discipline and stability for the children and further avoid conflict between the parents.

Events leading up to the divorce are as traumatic and uncertain as to the actual divorce.  By considering the above logistical arrangements you will create a well-considered informed environment that paves the way for better co-parenting between you and your partner.