Divorce is not easy for parents or children. Everyone in the family feels a tremendous sense of loss and anxiety. The family as they know it will no longer be the same.

Children often feel that their whole world has turned upside down. Emotions such as shock, uncertainty, anger, feelings of guilt, or blaming themselves are prevalent.

What we as parents say and do very often directly impacts how our children will experience and process the divorce.

What your child wants from mom and dad during a divorce

• When talking about my other parent, please say only kind things, or don’t say anything at all. When you say mean, unkind things about my other parent, I feel like you are expecting me to take your side.

• I need both of you to stay involved in my life. Please call me, email, text, and ask me many questions. When you don’t stay involved, I feel like I’m unimportant and that you don’t love me.

• Please stop fighting and work hard to get along with each other. Try to agree on matters related to me. When you fight about me, I think I did something wrong and feel guilty.

• I want to love you both and enjoy the time I spend with you. Please support me and the time that I spend with each of you. If you act jealous or upset, I need to take sides and love one parent more than the other.

• Please communicate with each other so that I don’t have to send messages back and forth between you.

• Please remember that I want both of you in my life. I count on my mom and dad to raise me, teach me what is essential, and help me when I have problems.

        Source: University of Missouri

But all is not lost. A divorce needn’t be a tragedy; a tragedy is staying in an unhappy relationship and teaching your children the wrong things about love. A few easy steps can navigate families through this challenging time:

With the assistance of a family mediator, you can customize a Parenting Plan designed to suit your family’s needs. It creates certainty and security for parents and children by setting out care and contact schedules.

A critical success factor is a way parents communicate during and post divorce.   Better communication is beneficial for the children and makes for a healthier environment. Apps such as “2houses” and “Our family wizard” are available and accessible on your cellphone to improve communication between two parents. These apps allow you to schedule extra mural activities such as ballet and cricket practice, doctors’ appointments, weekends, and holidays on these apps and share them with the other parent. Make sure your children know they can count on both parents for stability, structure, and care.

The following are helpful reminders on the topic of communication:

• Be aware of what you say about your divorce and ex-spouse when your children are around. You don’t want them to feel that they must choose sides.

• Remember to say goodbye with a smile when your children need to leave to go and visit the other parent – make it clear that you will be fine and that you are happy that they can spend some time with the other parent. If you don’t do this, your child will worry about you and feel guilty for leaving you behind.

With the proper guidance and tools, you can navigate this unsettling time for your children so they can emerge from it feeling loved, confident, and decisive – creating an even stronger bond with both parents. Always remember that you have divorced your spouse - not your children.